Happy Mother’s Day! Motherhood is a State of Mind!Once a mother, always a mother…

IMG_0065imageThe TV commercials flood us with images of perfect children, grateful husbands offering diamonds and an overall ideal WORLD, making me wonder what’s wrong with the “Picture” in which I live?
Perhaps I’m the only mother whose husband didn’t offer her diamonds, or for that matter flowers. As he told me, times and again, “You are not my mother!”
He is no longer in our lives and my children are grown ups. They live thousands of miles away… My reality is cards, texts, agift cards..
Am I as happy as the mother in a tv commercial? No, but I am grateful they remember me.
Which brings us to the next question: Who must wish a mother, “Happy Mother’s Day,” if anyone?
No one is under a moral obligation, however, it feels good when friends who know how much unconditional LOVE a mother offered, acknowledge it.
The message I hear is, “Good job!” I feel validated and worthy.

As a mother, my message to all the mothers in the WORLD, is:
Once a mother, always a mother, Even if your reality is not a TV commercial!
The reality of motherhood is much more! It is a state of mind!

A Penny Could Make You rich! A Single Mother’s Treasure.

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For years I  struggled with guilt every time I had to make yet another excuse to postpone organizing my files. My environment always ended up in a state of “organized mess” which looked chaotic to everyone  but me, because I always found what I needed!

Given the truth that one could not change what they don’t  admit needs to be changed, years ago, I adopted a method by which even if my life was not organized, at lease I admitted the problem.

The solution was  organized hoarding! I didn’t through away anything. but instead put them in piles which had a common theme.

I guess this would make me some kind of a hoarder…

I keep cards at hand and when someone expressed what I considered interesting, I wrote it on a card and placed it in an envelope. This was done in no particular order, neither by topic or alphabet. However, these thoughts were not lost and by being committed to paper they had a chance to be shared with others. Perhaps change livesor at least make someone smile!

As a mother, one of the best decisions  made, was to write down immediately ideas my children expressed at various stages of their lives.  We, as parents,find these “pearls” so valuable, so funny, so smart, most times we think there is no need to write them down, as, at the time, I believe we will always remember them… the truth is, we don’t, and here is one of the  proofs…

Yesterday, I was organizing my office which is a permanent attraction for my three dogs, and I assure you, no bones are hidden in my folders… It must be the smell of wisdom that attracks them:)

As I was trying to organized the paperwork, I came across a folder containing several 5 x 6 cards. One of them fell on the ground, as if it wished to give me a message:Read me!

So, I did, and the memory came back as fresh as if it had just happened a day before! The card read:

June 6, 1994– (This meant my daughter Natalie, was five and a half at the time.)

In that stage of development, kids are like sponges, they absorb everything you explain to them. A few days before I committed this story to paper to last in eternity, I explained to my daughters the concept of $, the various values each denomination represented and how with some we could buy more than with others. I didn’t expect them to conceptualized, but I was applying suggestions an expert in parenting gave us, mothers hungry for perfect parenting. The core idea was to respect our children enough to explain at their level, yet not to speak in baby-like language or as if they were incapable of understanding, because as life proved over and over again,our children understand more than we credit them for!

Keeping this advice in mind, this is what I wrote in June of 1994 about a conversation with my 5 1/2 years old:

Natalie (picking off the pavement a dusty penny):

“Mom, I’m giving you a penny, so you have some money!”

Me: ” That is very generous of you! Thank you so much,” I continued enthusiastically, assuming Natalie thought she made me rich.

Pause…Her eyes pierced mine:

“but Mom… you know, you can’t do anything with a penny!

Silence again, then Natalie continued:

“… and besides… it’s dirty!”

The Lesson!

Perhaps, I could not buy “things” with the dirty penny, so generously my child offered me, but 20 plus years later, the memory of the dirty penny brought a smile and happiness in my life, at a time when there are no more lessons I could teach my adult children and paradoxically, the dirty penny became valuable beyond any expectationsfor what it symbolized

It represented a time long gone, a treasure hidden in the depth of my motherly heart which will never, ever be offered a dirty penny again by her 5 1/2 kid. Those times will never come back!

We cannot turn time back, and the memory is all we have to cherish. It is frozen in time, no one could take the dirty penny away from me!

My happiness will depend forever of those dusty memories, and my child, a mother herself now, would understand the value of the dirty penny  only if and when her own daughter will hand her one.

No matter what my children offered me… no matter how insignificant for others, for me they represent treasures because they were offered from their pure hearts  untarnished by superficial values and greed of our culture.

This is how the dirty penny made my soul rich.

After all, value is determined  not by what is offered, but who offers it and why.

If you are a parent, please close your eyes, take a deep breath and count the dirty pennies you received from your children because this IS YOUR REAL TREASURE!

May God bless the wisdom, generosity  and innocence of our children!

 

Father’s Day, Mother’s Day? SINGLE PARENT??? The Long Term Devastation of a Father’s SUICIDE!!!!

Today is Father’s Day — we don’t celebrate for the sad reason that he killed himself in 2005.

Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY situation!!! STOP! THINK!!! READ the long, very long consequences for those YOU left behind because YOU thought  they will be better off without you!

Yes, when you were alive you could have been a better dad. This is why our teen daughters were not speaking with you.  True, you weren’t paying child support, took US (your children and the mother of your children, your ex wife, OFF the health insurance without telling me.) Yes, you knew I was about to have cancer surgery and didn’t care, didn’t call on your kids birthdays…but bought a  new car, and killed yourself when it was  reposesed.  A car was more important, as were the drugs.

Yet, you were ALIVE there was HOPE to change, to reconcile, to speak.

What do those left behind have now: guilt mixed with anger, unanswered questions…

The MOTHER, that is unfortunately me, MUST deal with my children’s anger and distortions because I am still ALIVE!!!  My shell of a body is, but my heart is broken. Shattered to pieces by those I adore and are discarding me.

For most of my daughters’ lives I tried to do the best I could with what I had and how I KNEW  at the time. Was I perfect? Hell NO!!! BUT… Was I loving, dedicated and fierce in defending my children and trying to offer them the BEST: education, social life, skills, was I at their head in the hospitals when they were sick? HEAVEN YES!!!

On Mother’s Day, I received a postcard from one of my daughters trips to Bahamas,  and a magnet to “cheer up MY refrigerator. The note said “sorry we cannot have a relationship at this time.”

WAS THIS MY CHILD WHO WROTE THAT NOTE? A therapist perhaps, so we keep the situation “civilized?” No waves, no, no, in our perfect world we only have clear, smooth waters!

OH NO!  Do you SEE the sharks at the bottom?

The deadly shock for me came  when I was dis-invited from her graduation and received pictures which my best friend mailed to me, of my daughter’s graduation and her NEW family ( her husband’s, who didn’t want to get involved in “family drama,”)  I guess that was me (the drama mama who raised two daughters on her own and now is still alive to receive the hits from consequences of  the Dad, who died 9 years ago!) Now, instead of being happy at last, memories are entangled, inappropriate therapies used, a mother-daughter relationship destroyed because what is better than a very long term client who doesn’t get better? May be worse, because inappropriate types of therapies are used.

What is the interest of pharmaceutical companies to cure, when “managing” is “better.” I mean, SAME principle. Follow the money!

I am not rich  financially, I was raised by a mother who told me the only thing no one could take away from you, is your education! She was right, I am not financially rich, but my brain is not poor.

Yes, I am aging, we all do but what hurts is how  the glitter took over my children’s minds and souls to the point of making it okay to  discard  mom who dedicated the last 28 years of her life, to them, UNCONDITIONALLY. True, NOW there was no gain, or reason for ME, so, I was discarded!

For those about 60% of the families who struggle with Father’s Day’s, Mother’s Days, the Holidays, and unappreciated parenting because YOU, ONE PERSON tried to do the job for TWO this is for ALL OF YOU, to know you are NOT ALONE!!! I hope the truth it will make someone feel better. It sucks to feel everyone is happy and perfect except you. Know you, me, others are real and not alone or lonely! Now that the truth is out!

What could anyone take from me when everything was already taken?

I stare at the clear, smooth waters and see the sharks. I JUMP IN AND SWIM!!!

I wish I could” wish you,” my readers, who perhaps relate to this post, HAPPY… something.

But I feel sad and betrayed, so fill in your own blanks and share with us!

I am HAPPY because______________

God bless!

Rodica

PS If all is perfect in your life, enjoy and don’t share yet another lie! Go on Facebook!

 

https://www.proventherapy.com/Rodica

 

WHEN A SINGLE MOTHER IS GIVING HER DAUGHTER ‘AWAY’ IN MARRIAGE! A Mother’s Love!

I thank everyone who so generously commented on my blog and wrote comments. Beside seeing my dogs and parrot, it was the BEST part of being back home! 

I am sorry if I disappoint some of my readers, but this is NOT a blog addressing a niche but rather the winding of our minds (yes, I am an online Counselor:)  in addition of being a blogger and author.

So… this post is not about schemes, or internet dating, but a much deeper kind of love: A MOTHER’S LOVE

I am back from my daughter’s wedding and being a single mom, it was her wish to walk her down the isle and hand her to her future husband.

The natural beauty of the New Hampshire Farm (Sunny Slope) helped my anxiety and we could have not asked for a better Fall day!

I am not going to “detail” the menu, the dramas, the mixed feelings and how I felt when suddenly, a step from “giving her away” in the arms of happiness, I started to cry. YES cry, and I had no tissues!

What I would like to share with other single moms, is that it is more than okay to NOT have a man walking your daughter down the isle, especially if you, like me, have been BOTH parents.

The part I would really like to share is the TOAST you, as the mother of the bride, will be asked to deliver.

I was warned people will already be tired and to keep it short. How short? A minute? Two? Five? Well seems under five would be okay.

I am not rich in financial “riches” and I do have a perpetual inferiority complex, especially when well intended friends ask me how come I have so much education, gifts, and I worked so hard and YET I am poor. Amazing, isn’t it???

 Well… poverty is relative, although ONLY those who never needed money say money don’t  bring happiness. May be not happiness, but a good night sleep, yes. Your children secure, yes, good “organic” food, yes… etc. OH and health insurance, and trips! Yeah, a little bitter, I am:)

Back to the wedding!  Here I was, waiting my turn to give the “TOAST” and all I could do was to stare at the spread on the table:

shrimp, sausages, baked potatoes, all spread DIRECTLY on brown paper in the middle of the tables. NO utensils! However, I did convince my daughter (whom I birthed already knowing it all) that providing aprons to all guests would be a good memento of the wedding and also appreciated as protection of their festive outfits.

Yes, here’s a confession, I was trained in public speaking, yes, I knew I should start with a joke and I did and YES I knew to keep it under 5 minutes, and yes, in spite ALL this great knowledge I am still financially poor.  I also knew from previous public speaking experiences that I might do it all the right way and bore the audience! That was my fear! Financially poor, okay, but poor and boring! NO!

Here’s the MESSAGE and what I HOPE ALL the financially not so rich single moms out there take from this post.

Your riches are more than money and do NOT let anyone intimidate you with the sound of their coins.

This is how I best expressed what I did, do and will always be able to offer my children regardless of the stock market being up or down:

A Mother’s Love

I may not be with you,

But I am part of you.

When the container named ‘body,’

Will be no more,

My soul will still be

And NEVER leave yours!

No matter life’s circumstances,

My love will never end!

I offered it to you, at birth,

UNCONDITIONALLY

To be part of you

And protect you

IN ETERNITY!

A Mother’s love cannot be

Defined, explained or ended…

It JUST is:

A MOTHER’S LOVE!

 

by Rodica Mihalis 2013 all rights reserved

https://www.proventherapy.com/Rodica-347