This post will attempt to answer the question:
Is having a MAN in your life equal to having “a life?”
If you have been following this blog from its beginnings, in December, 2010, you already know that the first 100 posts or so, have been polished, re-edited and based on them, a book was published, “The Gypsy Saw Two Lives.” ( on www.amazon.com search in books to read the comments and a free chapter)
If you followed this blog for a while, you also know, after the BOOK was published I stopped writing on this blog, but I noticed visitors still came to it in considerable big numbers. So, I decided felt I was disappointing people and re-started to write about LIFE in general, as I KNOW IT, and topics which might interest others as well.
Today I am dedicating this post to SINGLE WOMEN everywhere, including myself.
What is a single woman by MY definition?
Is she never having been married?
Is she divorced?
Is she a widow?
The answer is, all of the above and more. In my personal definition a single woman relies only on her own resources. For example if a woman is divorced but she has received a huge settlement from her ex and is financially secure, enough to belong to the local tennis club and travel the world, in my definition that is not a single woman, but a LUCKY woman.
Or, another example: YOU are divorced but the toilet is leaking, or you have a flat tire. What to do? If in such need you call your ex and he promptly shows up to fix the problem, you are not a single woman. You too are a lucky woman.
In my definition a single woman relies on her resources only and when in need of “manly” help she either knows HOW to fix the problem herself, or calls a service for which she pays… with HER OWN $$$$.
I felt the need to define “single woman” because I have been, by my definition, a single woman for the past eight years.
What is wrong with this? Or is anything wrong at all?
I experienced marriage to my high school sweetheart, and my heart was broken when I understood that I shared him with a myriad of nameless women. I experienced a second marriage and the joy and responsibility of raising two children, mainly on my own. Oh, sure, somewhere, there was a paper, it read: “Marriage Certificate.” What did that paper really mean?
I am sure there are wonderful husbands somewhere who wake up in the middle of the night when the baby cries. Mine didn’t. Or they serve the children dinner when I worked. Mine didn’t. Or, take the trash out on trash day. Mine didn’t. Or don’t punch holes in the walls in anger. Mine did! I could go on and on… What was my ex doing, among other manly things, such as farting while walking through the house? He was ignoring me sexually and emotionally. Yes, I know, you, the reader might think, “right, give an example, perhaps it’s all in your head!” Examples… hmm lets take sex. Our sex life, after the birth of our daughters was going down the tubes fast… so I told my more liberated girlfriends and off we went on South Street in Philadelphia to purchase some “sexual incentives.” We did, and on Christmas Day, in the privacy of our bedroom, I presented him with the box of “goodies.” I am NOT going to detail what was inside that box, but he looked through me, whispered “thank you,” and placed the box in his closed. The very back of it. That was the end of our attempt, my attempt to spruce up our sexual life. Years later, when we were selling the house before our divorce, I cleaned his closed. The box was still there… I opened it. Everything inside was spoiled, all the natural oils, all the dreams, the fantasies I had as a married woman. I closed the box and threw it in a black plastic trash bag to keep company to other delusions I had as a married woman.
Wise people say, and I agree, it is recommended to be single after a divorce. To find yourself as a person, your true identity. Most people jump in another relationship immediately and unfortunately the cycle of sorrow repeats itself.
Eight years later, having published a Memoir and having finished a Masters of Science in Counseling and Clinical Psychology, I could say that I KNOW WHAT I DID WROG AND KNOW WHAT WOULD WORK IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP!
When my adult daughters, annoyed at my motherly love say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You don’t like any man? Mom, get a life!”
Translation: “Mom, if you will have a man in your life, you will leave us alone! Enough parenting already! We are adults.”
Get a life! What does that mean? To just randomly accept a man, because even my daughters, whom I believed I raised to know that there is life beyond a man, urge me to get a man=a life?
I like to believe I already have a life, as ME. I enjoy the company of my rescued dogs, an African Grey Parrot who rules the household, the company of friends and fighting for causes I believe as worthy. My garden and the roses, and tomatoes I planted.
Oh… you are thinking sex again, aren’t you?
Well, remember that trip I took with my sexually emancipated girlfriends, the trip to The Treasure Chest? At that time I discovered a single woman could pleasure herself and the advantage? No STDs.
In conclusion, did I try to find a “partner,”? The answer is yes! Now, after two failed marriages, eight years of answering myself the question, what went wrong, personal therapy and an M.S. in Counseling and Clinical Psychology, I could say with confidence, I’d love to find a partner. Not a “man” or “friend with benefits” but a partner, to share with him the good and the bad, equally. I am trying to avoid using the word “standards.” Yes, women today are told to have “standards.” I remember a Steve Harvey show when a woman’s standards were a certain height in a man, and making well over $100,000 or was it $200,000? and she did not know what was wrong with that picture? She didn’t seem to understand that the term “unrealistic expectations.” Furthermore, if anyone would ask me, her values were placed in the wrong place, but all is relative.
As many true single women (as defined above) I told my worried daughters that I would like a partner to make my life happier. They seemed stunned… like what?
Like someone to have a sense of humor, to LOVE animals and not worry the dog jumped on him, to enjoy travel and other cultures and be an equal in financially supporting our household. So… how about sex? Sure, I’d love meaningful sexual encounters, after emotional connection and friendship and TRUST came first.
Frankly, it is a hormonal thing! As one grows older (I am not THAT old!:)) and the hormones shift to a place which allows the brain to take over, the more one knows what she needs for a fulfilled life.
In my next post I will detail an internet dating encounter. It will be entitled “THE MAN FROM GHANA!” It is a true story, as ALL stories you read on this blog!
Again, I appreciate every single one of you for visiting my life, as expressed through writing.