Internet dating is the way of the future, no doubt about it! However, we each have our own stories, and what follows is written to both entertain and alert “soul mate” seekers to the reality of what could happen, it does not mean it will happen to you. I know several internet dating stories which ended in “they happily lived ever after.”
This, as all stories on my blog, is true.
I was married twice, two long relationships, and raised a family. The third time around I was determined to use all that I know went wrong in my previous relationships, and turn mistakes into lif lessons.
For starters, I listened to all sensible advice and didn’t “jump” into another relationship, to repeat the pattern. A very healthy attitude, to know yourself first, to discover what was your part in failed past relationships. In short to turn past mistakes into valuable life lessons. The ultimate goal: a happy relationship, as perceived by both partners!
In the process of taking a break, I become comfortable with my own company, the flexibility singlehood offered, the unconditional love of y dogs, the fun I had with my friends, even when I didn’t wear make up!
This in-between relationships period went on for a while, and I had to be told directly by people who love e, that I needed to get my act together and get a partner!
The reasons why I should, were diverse, ranging from, no sex toy matches a real man, to wiser advice, such as, ” You must get a partner, if you get a cold, who will give you an Aspirin?!!”
I was thinking more in terms of cuddle, walking together, travel… and of course intimacy. However, the Aspirin argument propelled me in the internet dating jungle again!
Once I signed up for one service, many other services got my profile, and I was bombarded with tantalizing emails from Match.com, PetPeople (a site where most people don’t have pets, or they died long ago– the pets, I mean!), etc.
On a daily basis, I received “winks,” “flirts,” “he chose YOU!!! WOW- great news,” HE is waiting for a reply! Click, click. I tried to reply! Oh, I couldn’t BEFORE I paid, generally $24.00 a month, but $14.00 if I was lucky and a “special was offered by the site.
Now that I was a legit “member,” I could check the potential partners’ emails.
Mostly, it turned out, these men were emailing a form letter, probably to several potential “soul mates,” at once.
Most times, I was clear-minded enough, to get it, especially, if I responded with a detailed email and he wink back! Writing takes time and if “the soul mat” wrote to 50 women, chances are he will not have the time to personalize the response to each of the hopeful. The other sign, that I might have been part of a hopeful group, was if his responses were addressed not to my name, but : “Hi Honey, sweetheart, dear, sugar…etc.” Very safe indeed, why risk to use the wrong name?
Propelled by everyone’s hints that if I don’t even try, to find a partner, than for sure I need to see a therapist (which I was already but no one knew about it!) I started to consider my options…
I opted for Chemistry.com. Why? Because the “matches were made by Dr. Fisher, a famous anthropologist whose works I admired. I paid, I wrote a “sincere” profile, posted a recent picture and the winks, flirts, emails started to come in…
Wow, I thought, this IS the real thing!
After a few days, I became interested in one particular Profile. Let’s call him Jim. Jim was in my age group, of European descent, his wife died a few years back and he posted a picture of himself with his two orphan daughters and a dog! Oh! Imagine my eagerness to respond to this man’s email, although he called me “dear,” I overlooked THAT flag because he was just too good looking to be a crook! I imagined how I was going to meet him and the girls, and their dog and may be at some point cook them a hot meal! Poor dears, the wife and mother had died!
Quickly, the budding relationship progressed to emails. I had enough brains left to give him an email address allocated ONLY to junk mail and internet dating.
He pushed for Yahoo Instant Messenger! I could not install it, which propelled the “relationship further,” to telephone conversations!
He called me first and his voice sounded shaky… older than the age he stated… hmm may be not! He had an accent and so do I. Of course, we were BOTH from Europe! We bonded over our accents!
Soon, he was texting or calling me twice a day: “Good morning honey! How was your day, sweetheart! Oh! We have a soul connection, This is meant to be!”
I was in Heaven! Then, I asked how old were his daughters, and he said 18 and 22…
The girls in the picture looked 10 and 12! No, I am too suspicious. Really!
After a few weeks, he asked me to “pray for him, because he bid on a contract and if he gets it,” we will ALL be rich! The prospects seemed tempting! I was already imagining myself in an informal off white dress, a low key wedding, since we were both married previously, and I was not a virgin, to dare wearing white. I started to prayed with all my might, even lit candles. Every night!
“It worked!” he announced after a few days: “Honey, your prayers worked, I was awarded the contract thanks to your prayers!”
I was overwhelmed by such newly discovered powers that I possessed and could use to make contracts be awarded to whomever I chose!
All along, based on his profile, I thought he had a Construction Company but when I searched for his profile, to “refresh” my memory, the Profile was gone from the dating site!!!
I asked him, and he said he took it off line because HE KNEW I WAS THE ONE!!!
Now, honestly, how flattering was this!? I bought the explanation because a woman’s ego is as great as a man’s!
A few days after he was awarded the contract he announced he must leave the country and go to Brazil! To Brazil? “Are you buying lumber, for your construction company?” I asked.
Lumber???? No, no lumber! He was going to buy GOLD!!!! LOTS OF GOLD!!! And if Brazil didn’t have ENOUGH gold for him, he will go to Ghana, Africa! To fulfill the terms of the “contract awarded thanks to my prayers!”
It all made sense. So… he left! An overnight flight and as soon as he arrived somewhere in Brazil, he called ME!!! His soul mate! The caller ID read: UNKNOWN NUMBER… and he explained he was in some hotel, missing me soooo much, he couldn’t stop calling me long distance, because, what the heck, who cares about money when is real love!
At times he was fearful, did I speak with other men? Was I faithful? (To him, whom I never met…) I kept looking at the handsome Nordic looking guy’s picture, I was smart enough to “save” in my file before the profile vanished, and if I had any doubts at all, they disappeared when I looked (with my reading glasses) into his deep, dark blue eyes -in the picture!
After two days of “meetings” in Brazil, he told me that they couldn’t provide all the gold he needed, so, he had to go to Ghana! Ghana? I searched and discovered the company which he should have visited, was not in Ghana, but in South Africa! ONLY the mines were in Ghana!
I broke the news to my soul mate, but he insisted he was going to Ghana anyway! He will call me as soon as he got there, in Ghana, Africa!
Love hadn’t blinded me completely, and at that point, I called my cell phone provider to check IF I received ANY long distance calls. The customer service gal assured me I didn’t…
Yet, here he was, calling me from Ghana and this time a Ghana phone exchange and phone number SHOWED on my caller ID!
He was happy, what a great idea he went to Ghana! Gold was very cheap there and he expected to make lots of money and cover me, the woman of his dreams, in gold! After all, it was happening thanks to the power of my payers!
The twice a day calls from Ghana continued for another two days, then on a third day he told me he was “running out of money,” he was soooo close to closing the deal, and he didn’t think the shipment was going to be THAT expensive! He sounded sad. He was worried. I was empathetic. Encouraging. Offered MORE prayers. He said he asked a “friend from Maryland” to loan him money… but the hope was slim.
Yeah… realyl slim! I searched, in Google, not Bing, which keeps popping up on my computer, and discovered that for less than $3.00 a month, one could purchase an international forward phone calls plan. What that meant in “translation,” was that my soul mate could have called me from his basement anywhere in the U.S. but if he had purchased the international call forward plan, on my cell’s caller id it would show any country. In our case, 233, the Ghana exchange.
He called back again. He was heart broken. The friend from Maryland couldn’t help…
Such a shock!
“Honey, sugar… whatever, ” I said. “I have a solution to your problem!”
The tone of his voice changed abruptly, from hopelessness to interest: OH???? Tell me, dear, I knew you’d save me!”
“Well,” I asked, ” Are you married?”
“Married? Oh, no, how could I even THINK he was married when I was clearly his soul mate!!!”
He was excessively hurt by my question. I apologized. He accepted and I continued disclosing my wicked solution to his shipment problem:
“Sugar,” I said, “I know you love me, but hey, business is business. Why don’t you marry a rich woman from Ghana and I’m sure she’ll pay for the gold’s shipment and more!”
He started to stutter with indignation:
“Hhhooow…. cooolllddd I bb..e so crrrueell?” He still loved me but he hang up so he could recover from the shock of me being so logical and cold, and all business. All lemon, when he thought I was honey and sugar!
I thought this was the end of it, but to my surprise, he called back again. When the call came in, still from Ghana, I was with friends, trying to tell them the story. My girlfriend answered his call and for a good few minutes he spoke with her, thinking it was me. Then, confused, he hang up, to only call back again, minutes later! This time, we thought the introduction of a male “sugar,” will do the trick and stop the calls. My girlfriend’s husband answered on my cell, and told the man from Ghana:” This is Agent X. This phone has been confiscated! How could I help you?”
The man from Ghana hang up!
We all thought that was the end of another internet romance going sour.
A week later, the man from Ghana, contacted me again via email. Translation: he went from his Ghana basement to his living room or another room in the house in the U.S. (this is an assumption, because he could have been anywhere in the world!)
In his email, he confessed to me that he was confused, the whole “relationship we had, was a NEW one on him!” (I bet!) He continued by saying that “mysteriously ALL our back and forth emails disappeared from the history of his computer! He didn’t understand… WHO WAS I, really ?”
I left my laptop opened to HIS email to answer a call. When I came back to it, within minutes, the email was no longer in my in box. It disappeared!!!!
The same day, I received an email from y email provider. Their security service noticed “suspicious activity to my account,” and strongly suggested I change my pass word, which I did. I, In fact, I changed my phone number too.
Just in case my prayers weren’t THAT powerful and The Man from Ghana was going to haunt me again!
The stories on this blog are all true and written from my personal perspective. If certain misfortunes happened to me, it does not mean they will happen to others. Stay tuned for more truth be told:)
This post will attempt to answer the question:
Is having a MAN in your life equal to having “a life?”
If you have been following this blog from its beginnings, in December, 2010, you already know that the first 100 posts or so, have been polished, re-edited and based on them, a book was published, “The Gypsy Saw Two Lives.” ( on www.amazon.com search in books to read the comments and a free chapter)
If you followed this blog for a while, you also know, after the BOOK was published I stopped writing on this blog, but I noticed visitors still came to it in considerable big numbers. So, I decided felt I was disappointing people and re-started to write about LIFE in general, as I KNOW IT, and topics which might interest others as well.
Today I am dedicating this post to SINGLE WOMEN everywhere, including myself.
What is a single woman by MY definition?
Is she never having been married?
Is she divorced?
Is she a widow?
The answer is, all of the above and more. In my personal definition a single woman relies only on her own resources. For example if a woman is divorced but she has received a huge settlement from her ex and is financially secure, enough to belong to the local tennis club and travel the world, in my definition that is not a single woman, but a LUCKY woman.
Or, another example: YOU are divorced but the toilet is leaking, or you have a flat tire. What to do? If in such need you call your ex and he promptly shows up to fix the problem, you are not a single woman. You too are a lucky woman.
In my definition a single woman relies on her resources only and when in need of “manly” help she either knows HOW to fix the problem herself, or calls a service for which she pays… with HER OWN $$$$.
I felt the need to define “single woman” because I have been, by my definition, a single woman for the past eight years.
What is wrong with this? Or is anything wrong at all?
I experienced marriage to my high school sweetheart, and my heart was broken when I understood that I shared him with a myriad of nameless women. I experienced a second marriage and the joy and responsibility of raising two children, mainly on my own. Oh, sure, somewhere, there was a paper, it read: “Marriage Certificate.” What did that paper really mean?
I am sure there are wonderful husbands somewhere who wake up in the middle of the night when the baby cries. Mine didn’t. Or they serve the children dinner when I worked. Mine didn’t. Or, take the trash out on trash day. Mine didn’t. Or don’t punch holes in the walls in anger. Mine did! I could go on and on… What was my ex doing, among other manly things, such as farting while walking through the house? He was ignoring me sexually and emotionally. Yes, I know, you, the reader might think, “right, give an example, perhaps it’s all in your head!” Examples… hmm lets take sex. Our sex life, after the birth of our daughters was going down the tubes fast… so I told my more liberated girlfriends and off we went on South Street in Philadelphia to purchase some “sexual incentives.” We did, and on Christmas Day, in the privacy of our bedroom, I presented him with the box of “goodies.” I am NOT going to detail what was inside that box, but he looked through me, whispered “thank you,” and placed the box in his closed. The very back of it. That was the end of our attempt, my attempt to spruce up our sexual life. Years later, when we were selling the house before our divorce, I cleaned his closed. The box was still there… I opened it. Everything inside was spoiled, all the natural oils, all the dreams, the fantasies I had as a married woman. I closed the box and threw it in a black plastic trash bag to keep company to other delusions I had as a married woman.
Wise people say, and I agree, it is recommended to be single after a divorce. To find yourself as a person, your true identity. Most people jump in another relationship immediately and unfortunately the cycle of sorrow repeats itself.
Eight years later, having published a Memoir and having finished a Masters of Science in Counseling and Clinical Psychology, I could say that I KNOW WHAT I DID WROG AND KNOW WHAT WOULD WORK IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP!
When my adult daughters, annoyed at my motherly love say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You don’t like any man? Mom, get a life!”
Translation: “Mom, if you will have a man in your life, you will leave us alone! Enough parenting already! We are adults.”
Get a life! What does that mean? To just randomly accept a man, because even my daughters, whom I believed I raised to know that there is life beyond a man, urge me to get a man=a life?
I like to believe I already have a life, as ME. I enjoy the company of my rescued dogs, an African Grey Parrot who rules the household, the company of friends and fighting for causes I believe as worthy. My garden and the roses, and tomatoes I planted.
Oh… you are thinking sex again, aren’t you?
Well, remember that trip I took with my sexually emancipated girlfriends, the trip to The Treasure Chest? At that time I discovered a single woman could pleasure herself and the advantage? No STDs.
In conclusion, did I try to find a “partner,”? The answer is yes! Now, after two failed marriages, eight years of answering myself the question, what went wrong, personal therapy and an M.S. in Counseling and Clinical Psychology, I could say with confidence, I’d love to find a partner. Not a “man” or “friend with benefits” but a partner, to share with him the good and the bad, equally. I am trying to avoid using the word “standards.” Yes, women today are told to have “standards.” I remember a Steve Harvey show when a woman’s standards were a certain height in a man, and making well over $100,000 or was it $200,000? and she did not know what was wrong with that picture? She didn’t seem to understand that the term “unrealistic expectations.” Furthermore, if anyone would ask me, her values were placed in the wrong place, but all is relative.
As many true single women (as defined above) I told my worried daughters that I would like a partner to make my life happier. They seemed stunned… like what?
Like someone to have a sense of humor, to LOVE animals and not worry the dog jumped on him, to enjoy travel and other cultures and be an equal in financially supporting our household. So… how about sex? Sure, I’d love meaningful sexual encounters, after emotional connection and friendship and TRUST came first.
Frankly, it is a hormonal thing! As one grows older (I am not THAT old!:)) and the hormones shift to a place which allows the brain to take over, the more one knows what she needs for a fulfilled life.
In my next post I will detail an internet dating encounter. It will be entitled “THE MAN FROM GHANA!” It is a true story, as ALL stories you read on this blog!
Again, I appreciate every single one of you for visiting my life, as expressed through writing.